another day... time flies, my mind orbits slowly

It seems that time is flying by so quickly and I feel so left behind. It's getting closer and closer to my birth day on the 9th and im DREADING it. It's such a reminder of evaluating my life for where it is. I can't help but to compare myself to my peers and I feel like im lagging in cold molasses. It's very sad and distressing.

I find myself full of goals and I have fits and starts but so much falls to the back burner due to social obstacles, stressors and problems much like the current one with our landlord. I mean.. WOW, this is a huge one. On the verge of possible homelessness, Possble or probable court case against the landlord. The possibility of loosing our social services assistance for housing just because they do not involve themselves in the individual issues of whats happening yet they somehow take the side of te powers that be without meaning to if that makes sense. They just see things black and white and don't seem to take in the details. THere, of course, is a process to see the details but why not do this from th estart to take away that stress from the start.

I have been writing a lot of bits of poetry in my head these days but I havn't been writing it out. I'm not quite sure why. I guess it's all so painful. I feel alone. I have expressed some of the pain going on to others who have expressed care and a wish to let me vent but then when I do, Immet with what looks like a platitude, a brief virtual hug, and they fall out of my life. It makes me feel like a dang fool. I don't know if maybe it's me. I expect to much! Is it so hard to be real. Did they REALLY want to hear me vent? It doesn't seem like it. But they said so? and yet what I see doesn't seem like it. Wow.. it feels hypocritical and then it hurts more and again. I feel yet again wounded for reaching out...

Anyways, I miss my blog over at livejounral but I can't keep up with two. There are things im followng over here that is related to my daily life in san diego with the Giford clinic which is why I am here yet over there, I have been there for years so why start another blog! I wonder if I can connect the two. Im too tired to explore that.

My current psychiatrist, I like her a lot. Yay... especialy since my last one and I did not see eye to eye 95% of the time. Anywaysm the current one upped my neurontin by 900mg and wow, i can feel my brain activity activation declining with it!! Ive never been able to take more then 600mg of that stuff but I decided to give it one more chance out of the desperation of not sleeping. But wow, it's already getting to me 2 days after starting the increased dose. The pro already is that my head isnt spazzing all over the place but the down side is that i feel lethargic mentally and physically. Positive side is that it does increase physical pain control and my mood isn't so off the wall. Im also taking the Topomax too at 50mg a day not 100mg like the neurologist wants me on. I still need to call their office abut staying on 50. Psychiatrist didnt say much about my wantng to stay on 50. Seems she thought I should go on 100 as they said. Why? Im already on like 8 other meds.... i mean really.. i don't think my organs appreciate this.

Im listening tl Linkin park right now. Yay... Meteora Album. I hear LP is coming out with a new album. looking forward to that. Well it's a bit past midnight. I think Im going to post something on the artistic expression site and then lay down.

looking around

I have one of these blogs at livejournal that i have kept up with on and off for a few years but I came over here because so many people use it. I guess I will just look around some more and maybe I will be back